Styles of Listening

After reviewing the four different listening styles mentioned within the textbook, I would have to come to the conclusion that I am more of a content centered listener. I have always been someone that would listen to others in order to get the information, what is being mentioned, and the overall “meat” of the conversation. For some reason, I believe that if I am able to grasp all the information being mentioned within interpersonal communication, I will understand where that other person is coming from and essentially what kind of person they are.

Even though I can be a very emotional person sometimes, I tend to let emotions not get in the way. If I am clearly upset about something and can’t hide my feelings, then at that point there is nothing that I can do. Personally, I try to worry about the content and the most important aspects of the conversation rather than perhaps what that person is feeling. Being a people centered listener is sometimes not always a good thing. You may believe that your friend is upset about something when in reality he/she isn’t. This could lead to an argument and even miscommunication. This is why I tend to be more content centered when dealing with interpersonal communication.

This listening approach is one that I always have been comfortable with. However, I know that sometimes it is not always the most effective. There will be times when people are going to want you to explain how you are feeling and bringing in your emotions may be vital. I am going to have to learn to be more open within interpersonal communication for I know that being content centered may not always be the best bet.

One time, my friend was going through a tough time after breaking up with her boyfriend. She came to me to vent about what had happened and how everything went about. Immediately, I felt like I needed to be content centered in order to get all the facts straight. I could tell in her body language and her voice that she was extremely upset about the situation and just needed a shoulder to cry on. At this moment, I knew that I needed to switch my listening style. I knew that I had to be a people centered listener and help my friend realize that everything was going to be okay. I see now that different listening styles are effective in different situations. Also, perhaps one listening style isn’t better than another.

Technology and Interpersonal Communication

            Before reading this chapter, I didn’t think much of my “cyber self” and how the virtual world portrays something so different than the reality. The four assumptions of the online presentation of the self have really helped me to realize what is occurring when using technology as a second way to express myself. The four assumptions are:

1)      computer screen can deceive: You always here about people being someone that they are not online. This is certainly something that happens and can be very dangerous. For example, people who use online dating services are faced with this situation almost every time they use it. It is very possible that that person is older than they say they are or they could even be a male portraying a female. It is hard to distinguish what exactly the circumstance may be without any physical and face to face contact. In person, you can not lie about your sex and reaction time isn’t delayed. When using the cyber world, that person can decided when they want to respond. In person that isn’t the case. One time my sister was playing a trick on me from her screen name. She had said that she was an old friend of mine and that we needed to catch up. I didn’t know the screen name and couldn’t remember any old friends that I haven’t talked to. Immediately I blocked the user and found out it was only my sister playing a trick. However, that is something that happens very often to many people.

2)      online discussions often prompt introspection: It is very hard to distinguish what exactly is being meant through online communication. The same goes for texting and things of that nature. With online discussion you really have to think hard about what the sender has sent and what they are trying to get across. In person it is easy to see this through facial expressions and body language. Things such as this are not used through online communication and make it harder to decipher a message. An internal dialogue is present in which we reflect on both the message and the response that we give back. There have been many of times when I would receive a message on facebook and wasn’t quite sure exactly what the sender was trying to get across. It was a message that had to do with an argument that I was having with a friend, but I wasn’t sure if she wanted to let it pass and start over or if she still was mad at me. The only way I was able to understand just exactly what she meant was when I saw her in person the next day in class.

3)      online discussions promote self-orientation: Online communication really allows you to do whatever you desire as opposed to reality. In person, if someone were to ask you a question you have no way of not responding. You have to think of an answer to give back to the sender. However, online you can decide if you would like to answer that person or not. When using the cyber world there is no physical proximity and we are not compelled to interact. People will communicate when they desire and at their own convenience. If I receive a strange IM or something of that nature on facebook, I tend to ignore it and see if the sender understands that I am not interested in talking and clearly I do not want to respond back. Additionally, if I am in a fight with a friend and they want to discuss the situation on facebook, I will tend not to answer them for I believe that ending a fight should be done face to face and not online.

4)      self-disclosure occurs online: Sometimes people are more comfortable expressing their feelings through the cyber world rather than in reality. I will have to admit that I am that way sometimes. If it is something that I really want to get off my chest but don’t want to deal with what people might do afterward, I will usually express myself online. A good amount of people don’t want to deal with immediate reactions such as disgust, disappointment, or even confusion. Expressing yourself online allows you to not have to deal with any of that. On facebook, if I need an opinion from someone I will usually ask numerous people online rather than in person. In person people tend to use facial expressions and other ways to express what they are thinking that maybe you aren’t too fond of. Online people are only able to use words to get their message across and body language and things like that aren’t used. And if they are you cannot see it.

Five other concepts regarding online identity:

1)      Screen names- Screen names allow the sender to show off their own personality and even their own style. Many people put a lot of time and thought into their screen name for it will be used a lot. Additionally, people tend to not change their screen names often so it will be something that they are connected to for quite a while. For example, my screen name happens to be BustaMovewitTay. This is because I like to dance and my name is Taylor. But a lot of my friends call me “Tay” for short. Screen names can however depict negative assumptions such as 2Sexy4U and other things like that.

2)      Postcyberdisclosure panic- This is something that I will admit that I worry about all the time. It is very easy for the receiver to take any information that you have sent them and use it to their advantage. If you happen to be talking about someone online in a negative way, the receiver could then go right ahead and send the information to that person that you were talking about. There is no way to trust people through online communication and that truly makes me nervous.

3)      Convergence- In the present day, everyone is aware of technology and all the uses that come along with it. Everyone seems to have high tech phones that are fast and computers that are better than they ever were before. This generation especially will continue to use technology to their advantage and it will just keep getting better year after year.

4)      Hate speech- Hate speech seems to be something that will never be stopped when it comes to online communication. It is very hard to get rid of it and it is used all the time. I have come across hate speech several times on the internet and facebook and I cannot believe some of the things that I see. It is something that perhaps can’t be stopped but is certainly something that we can keep an eye out for.

5)      Signaling Theory- In person, we always direct our words to a particular person and even a certain type of person. Online we do the same thing as well to indicate who our messages are for. People have qualities that they wish to present others and they will do this in roundabout ways. Using the same online dating service again as an example, I may indicate that I am looking for a single male ages 20-30. This says that individuals of younger or older age than that will not be of interest to me. It is a way to distinguish what kind of a person you are using electronic communication.  

Adaptation Theory

            The adaptation theory is connected to the way individuals react through interpersonal communication. The person that you are speaking to connects with a combination of expectations, requirements, and even desires that they take into consideration throughout the conversation. Out of three conversations that I had, one in particular seemed to make the most impact. When communicating with a friend of mine, she had asked me how my day was. This is a typical and familiar question that is asked throughout day to day conversation. I responded to the question by saying.” To be honest it has been a horrible day. My phone won’t turn on and my mom is mad at me and nothing seems to be going my way.” I was actually having a great day but I wanted to see what my friend’s reaction would be when answering in such a way.

            The adjustments that were made occurred when responding to my friend. I made sure to speak at a very monotone level, indicating that I wasn’t in a very happy mood. I made sure to use little to no facial expressions, which is something that I do all the time. I needed to make sure that my friend could tell that I wasn’t my usual fun and humorous self. Those adjustments had to be made in order to receive feedback. My friend immediately went for my shoulder in order to indicate that she was there to help me get through the horrible day that I was having. Additionally, she stepped in closer to my body to show that our relationship was a close one and that she would always be there for me. Finally, she hugged me to ensure that everything was going to be okay.

            The topic plays an important role when it comes to adaptation theory, for non verbal and verbal messages rely on the context. If it was a much more serious matter, something such as loosing a loved one or maybe telling her that I was moving would have made her more emotional and react in a different way than she did. Although my situation was a negative one, it called for a different way of responding and adapting than other situations would. The adjustments are made depending on the party. In this case this was a very close friend of mine. She was someone who was going to be there for me whether I was having a great day or a bad day. If I had told this to an acquaintance or someone I rarely speak to, they would have responded differently. They would have probably just felt sorry and that would have been the end of it. I wasn’t surprised at the way my friend responded because that is how I would have responded to someone else. Adaptation theory depends on the person you are speaking to and knowing how they express themselves in other various situations.

Nonverbal Immediacy Behaviors

            After taking the quiz, my non verbal immediacy behavior score came out to be a 90. This does not surprise me at all because I am certainly a more non verbal person then I am a verbal one. For some reason I feel much more comfortable speaking with my hands and body language than if I were to use verbal communication. When I heard the mean score for college women was 102, I immediately agreed with the outcome. Women express themselves and communicate much differently than men do. Women are more satisfied with touching and creating a close bond with the other person they are speaking to. Men like to have their space and don’t necessarily enjoy that very much.

            Throughout the course of a day, some non verbal behaviors that I may use are smiling, touching, and using my hands. When I smile it indicates to someone else that I am having a great day and nothing is going wrong. Touching allows the other person to know that I am listening to what they have to say and aren’t just passively listening. And using my hands to express myself helps me to get my point across or build on an idea that I may be communicating to someone else. I believe that I use a great deal of non verbal skills throughout my day that works for me. Perhaps I can work on my verbal skills to see if I am more comfortable expressing myself in that way.